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Post by Amras on Aug 20, 2006 6:23:54 GMT -5
Lets see if I can tell this one while I'm sober...its still early... So, these two drunks are standing on a golf course, waiting on the duo in front of them to finish putting so they can tee off. After a bit of a wait, the first drunk says, "Bill, they're taking too long. Go up there and tell 'em to either finish up, or get the devil out of the way and let us play through." Bill says, "OK, I will," and staggers up towards them. Just before he gets to the green, Bill stops suddenly, turns, and walks back to the tee box. "Frank," Bill says, "I can't go up there. One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress. You go." Frank says, "OK, I'll do it." Just before Frank gets up to the green, he stops, turns, and walks back, wide-eyed. "By God, Bill, its a small world, isn't it?"
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Post by Amras on Aug 23, 2006 12:27:12 GMT -5
OK, so, this drunk is at work, totally hammered...his office is on the 5th floor...he opens the elevator doors, and, not realizing that the elevator car is missing, steps in, plummeting to the bottom...getting up, kinda wobbly, he dusts himself off, and, without missing a beat, yells, "By God, I said UP!"
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Post by Amras on Aug 31, 2006 15:57:14 GMT -5
So, two drunks are standing on a corner. A girl walks by. One of 'em says, "Her necks dirty." The other one says, "Her does?"
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Post by Scotsman on Sept 1, 2006 6:08:14 GMT -5
So, two drunks are standing on a corner. A girl walks by. One of 'em says, "Her necks dirty." The other one says, "Her does?" Thats great! Here ya go: A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed, "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"
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Post by Amras on Sept 1, 2006 8:57:42 GMT -5
So, these two drunk "ladies" are sitting at a bar, looking at a young lad who has just walked in. One of 'em turns to the other and says, "Isn't Jeff a lovely boy?" The other answers, "He dresses so nicely." To which the first lady replies, "Yes, and quickly, too!"
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Post by Amras on Sept 12, 2006 12:39:41 GMT -5
"The Church is near, but the road is icy. The bar is far away, but I will walk carefully!" ~Old Russian Proverb, roughly translated
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Post by Amras on Feb 28, 2007 10:39:30 GMT -5
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
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Post by Amras on Mar 16, 2007 11:27:57 GMT -5
Happy St. Patricks Beverages to All!!!
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". " Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm he re to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." " Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "
I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
" Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
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Post by Amras on Apr 6, 2008 20:18:07 GMT -5
Guts or Balls??? There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.'' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
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